Independent Play Starts with Uninterrupted Play

Play is how children learn, and play is the work of the child. It is a powerful builder of their attention spans. It is where they gain the skill to push through difficult things. Play is where they exercise their creativity, and it is where they practice solving problems. It can be very tempting to break play down into two categories: playing with us or playing without us. It is easy to think this way, especially when you have a looming task to get done or are desperate for an extended break. (And of course they can sense those things and are extra desperate for your presence.) However, there is a full spectrum between playing together and playing independently.  It is in the in-between space where you will spend the bulk of your time. Noticing the nuances between playing together and beginning to separate will give you a greater understanding of your child’s development and guide you on ways to support them on their journey to independent play.

Some middle steps along to road to independent play might look like:

• You were playing together, but they moved away and are playing on the other side of the room. You know if you move or cough or speak, the magic spell will be broken. As long as you are quiet, though, they will keep working.

• You were playing together, but when they moved away, you’re able to do things in the same space as long as you don’t leave. They will check in with you occasionally, even if it’s just visually to make sure you’re still close by.

• They are playing on their own but check in with you occasionally. They might run up and hug you or ask a question, but then they will go back to doing something on their own.

The single biggest thing you can do to increase your child’s ability to play independently is to not interrupt their concentration. This is a mindset shift, and it starts with a deep understanding of that basic principle of Montessori parenting philosophy: play is the work of the child. When we see them lining up their cars as important work, then it’s much harder to interrupt them and say it’s time to put on their shoes. You are more inclined to wait for a break in their activity, when they look up at you, to say what you need to say. When we see an infant watching a ceiling fan as important work, we are more likely to patiently wait for them to look away before we ask if we can pick them up to change their diaper. 

Shifting that mindset to respecting their play slows you down, and it lets you see more of your child. When you are playing together, notice when they decide to start playing a separate game and allow them to follow that interest. Observe. What caught their attention? How long do they stick with it? What are they learning or working on? Giving children your undivided attention, even while they have walked away from you, is a great gift. You do not have to be laughing and giggling to be connected. Being present and observing sends the message to your child that they are loved and seen in whatever they choose to do. And slowly, they will start to do more work on their own, because having uninterrupted play builds that independent play.